sapphire and faded jeans

I have a trip to KL planned for the second weekend of June, and it amazes me how incredibly excited YET nervous I am about the entire affair. And yup, I do know that the latter feeling is completely illogical, but heyy, you know how paranoid I can get! I haven't seen these girls for ages, and while we've managed to stay in touch through all means possible (and yes, this includes Facebook, Friendster, good ol' MSN and to a certain degree, email), I just wonder...

... how much have we changed over these past eight months?

... will it be awkward?

... will we be able to talk to each other as freely as before?

... will we be able to find points of connection after all this time?

And then I think about all that we've been through and chide myself for being so silly. It's true what they say about friendships dissipating over time, and I for one am terrible at maintaining long-distance friendships via electronic means. But surely there was a threshold we crossed somewhere, in between February 2005 and November 2006, which has strengthened our friendships beyond mere superficiality. Here are girls who have seen me at my worst: from the time I stepped into Tiddeman with the shortest, most unstylish hair imaginable, from the times I used to dash from my room to the shower and back in a really short towel... to the times when I overtweezed my eyebrows or let them grow out wildly, my blankie-sniffing days, the days of the awesome flowered skirt...

And if they haven't disowned me yet for procrastinating from taking a shower till about midnight every single night, for invading their rooms at odd hours of the day and night demanding food and attention, from my Krispy Kreme and junk food binge sessions during particularly stressful times... I think it's safe to say that these friendships won't be dead JUST yet. (:

So Sarah, Steph, Nat... Can we make a countdown?

10 days and counting

(That is, if I am done with you-know-what by then...)

He says: "If I have time on Tuesday, I'll pop by the store and pick up the (Brad Paisley) CDs... provided I have cash then."

I say: "Why is there an 's' tacked to the end of 'CD'?"

He says: "You should know why."

=D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm still bored at work and have updated both my private and public LiveJournal. Surely they aren't paying me a good three-digit sum each month to spend time networking and catching up with my friends.

Planning a trip to Kuala Lumpur, in theory, should be easy, shouldn't it? Internet renders the purchasing of plane tickets more efficient, and even if you didn't have access to the WWW, you'd undoubtedly have a phone and the Yellow Pages to help find the nearest travel agent. And packing? PSH. Clean underwear, a couple of changes of clothes, toiletries, and you're good to go.

However, when you have five Malaysian friends you desperately want to see, but who all take different courses at university and have exams at different times, plus an impending (or perhaps not) phone call from the Scholarship Department concerning an interview that could come at any time... Well, let's just say the prospect of jetting to KL when everyone is around is looking rather bleak at the moment.

I am tempted to use my Frequent Flyer Miles to purchase a ticket to Melbourne in August and holiday there, properly, before university begins in October. TEMPTING, TEMPTED, TEMPTATION. There're so many things I wanted to do in Melbourne before I left - properly browse the stalls at Queen Vic market and have churros and jam doughnuts, St. Kilda, shop more and be ostentatious for once... everything. And now I won't have the chance to do that for a long, LONG time and I'm regretting it.

Well, I've talked to my mum and she said that I could potentially fly to Melbourne during my 2008 summer holidays - "I don't want to go with you, I'll be bored. You can go by yourself" - so HURRAH for that. I know it's a while away, more than a year perhaps, but it's always nice to have something to look forward to.

On a somewhat unrelated-yet-related note, I've been thinking about the little kids at the after-school care programme I worked in at Sacred Heart in Kew and I wonder how much they've grown since... Some of them have been in the programme throughout the two years I've been there, and would be so much bigger and older and wiser right now... The dainty girls, the boys who behaved like hooligans, the ones who decided they wanted a hiding place in the classroom, and who used a staple gun to staple fabric to the cloth walls... If only I had been this jiwang, or perhaps this sensitive or realised the way in which they could warm my heart back then... then maybe I wouldn't have had to be forced to go on a number of occasions, or use the thought of CAS hours as motivation. :P In any case, I miss hanging out in the playground with them, and playing battleship when it got cold, and bumping into Girvo on the way back in the frigid weather and darkness... Haha OH MY GOODNESS SO JIWANG.

Anyway, an excerpt from a conversation I had today - and it's conversations like these which inevitably put a smile on one's face.

"When are you leaving the Bank?"
"End of July possibly, although my contract says end of August."
"Why don't you stay back with us? Quit university lah."
"What would be my incentive?"
"You have... me!"
"Mmm, I wouldn't mind that..."
(Interjection from a third party:) "... and you can ride in his Porsche!"
"YEAHHH MAN."

=)

Human beings are complex creatures. We possess infinite wants and yet, only a finite amount of fiscal resources to satisfy these materialistic desires.

And lest you think I will be launching into a philosophical debate on this age-old issue, I should say that the focal point of my post will be the things I want, but cannot bear to part with my money to purchase. So many things, so little moolah... However shall I prioritise? Decisions, decisions. Here's my list:

A new digicam
I already have a 5.1 MP Sony Cybershot, but I dislike it for the number of reasons: its shutter speed is slow, and pictures - especially night-time shots - are extremely blurry without the use of the flash. However, the flash distorts colours, making faces appear white and sharp against the dim and distant background. And I've had the camera for three years... I'd love an upgrade.

I went to Hua Ho Manggis this afternoon, where there was an electronics exhibition and there was a Canon booth. Have any of you been watching the French Open coverage on ASTRO Supersports, and seen the commercial where Maria Sharapova is taking a snapshot of tennis balls in a :) formation? Well, I want that camera, the Powershot A640, and have lusted after it (even though it's not the sexiest, sleekest thing on earth - it's bulky BUT it takes good shots, 10.0 MP worth!) for a long time now... but it's not something I'd want to drag around with me on social purposes. So we went scouting, and I fell in love with the Ixus 75, which is everything the Powershot isn't. Sleek, extremely sexy, a 3.0" LCD screen, thin, image stabiliser... and about the same price. So, how now brown cow? Do I go for convenience, or do I go for looks? I still want a camera though, so this is Priority Number One.

A pair of sunnies
This, I've been looking for since last year. I really don't care about the brand; I'd be happy with a pair of cheap-as sunnies as long as they look fantastic. I like aviators because I'm a poser like that, but I'm not opposed to Ray Bans (okay, so I somewhat care about the brand!) or something that's simple but evergreen... Basically, I just want pretty eye protection. The Mall has yielded disappointing results so far, but the hunt still continues!

Tops
The new GAP summer collection is amazingly gorgeous. Simple, but sophisticated. I was just showing Suan last night their empire line, almost baby-doll-like sleeveless tops - nothing too fanciful, but are perfect for warm summer days. They're gorgeous, and even cheaper than the green baby doll top I bought, at 50% off, from Sportsgirl last year. What a rip-off. I also love the new EDC (ESPRIT) Spring/Summer collection - everything from their tops to their v-necks and their basic t-shirts. I love ESPRIT, full stop. ARGHGHGHGHG I cannot wait to go overseas. I want new clothes.

And oh, my new obsession. Lacoste's new stretch polo. I am so investing in one because Ralph Laurens are growing quite passe, and I hate that people will second-guess the origins of any RL polo you wear in Brunei because the reject variety is available at every single Factory Outlet Store you visit. Actually, now that I say that, I do realise clothing factories here do actually manufacture polos for sale overseas and these are just the rejects/excess, but STILL. I am going to be a Lacoste polo girl.

Jeans
A pair of Sass & Bide skinnies, please. :( Steph bought two at a sale last month and I am very VERY jealous. However, Bettina Lianos, seeing as I'm in Brunei and will shortly be in London, would be appreciated too. In fact, I've been told that my sole pair of skinnies resemble Bettina Lianos. Good choice, Nat!

Accessories
I don't have many to choose from now - just enough earrings to count on my two hands, three necklaces, two bracelets... so what wouldn't I give to have easy access to an Accessorize or even a Diva right now, so I can stock up my wardrobe. I want retro-looking jewellery in bright colours (think the description of the primal, alpha males in "A Streetcar Named Desire" - primary colours, bold and all!) and bronzey, almost antique-looking, bohemian jewellery. And I have none of those. Ah well.

New dresses
I'm a bit behind with the times, but in any case, I do want a bubble-hem dress with an empire line; and I want a summer dress that I can belt up and look oh-so-chic in. But I'd have to wait at least a year to be able to wear it... there's no way I'd be able to wear such dresses here. Here's one that really takes my fancy... Can I hop onto a flight to London, or maybe to Melbourne right now? http://www.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=15710&pid=488327

And speaking of which, I want a Little Black Dress too... I have black dresses, but none which are particularly versatile enough to dress up or dress down, like the versatility that an LBD is able to offer.

A new hairstyle
Because mine is particularly boring, but my hair's not long enough yet, fringe-wise and length-wise, to be able to style properly. Right now, side-swept fringer, straight layers are all my hair stylist is able to offer me. Should I go back to really REALLY short?

I jest, of course.

Makeup
Primer to use below my foundation; a non-smudgy eyeliner, non-clumpy mascara, anything MAC... ARGH. Right now, I'm happy with what I have - I don't have much (foundation, eyeliner, mascara, blusher, a couple of palettes of eye colour which I cannot seem to apply properly, some lip colours) but I favour natural makeup schemes over really bright, eye-popping makeup so what I have will do for the time being. But it's nice being able to have enough to do whatever I want with my face without having to go shopping for new things depending on the clothes I plan to wear!


And on, and on, and on, and on...

I am highly materialistic, aren't I?


To everyone who will be sitting for exams next week, BEST OF LUCK. All of you will kick ass, I know. (:

I think you are dumb but I have never been able to tell you so to your face.

Walkathon. Disorganised. Hot. Muggy. Humid. Stupid. End of story.

And judging from the blog entires on certain websites, I am the only one to feel this way.

My dad just got back from a golf tournament, but bearing no freebies I could glean off him. I mean, I suppose having an electric juicer in the house (lucky draw item) would be handy... Really.

So I am sitting on the easy chair directly in front of the TV, watching my parents watch The Interpreter while my mum flicks through the Sunday edition of The Straits Times. It reminds me how long I have not read anything substantial - I have completely given up on The Economist, and while I start novels, I never end up finishing them. I am in my green MLC rugby jumper with a tank top underneath, my skinny jeans on and contacts in as I popped out for lunch with a few people just now. My hair actually feels like it was professionally washed and blown, when the fact was that I only took a quick shower once I came back from the walkathon this morning. It feels like I've been up for 12 hours - when the reality is I've been up for 10. And it's only 3.29 pm. There's a good 7 hours to go before bedtime.

It's grey and gloomy outside - one of those afternoons that invites quiet contemplation and reminiscence over a cup of chai tea, or a really hot mug of green tea. I want hot chocolate, but I cannot be arsed to get up and make myself a cup. I've discovered that no other commercial hot chocolate powder can beat that of Swiss Miss. Pricey, but it's cocoa heaven in a cup. Pretty soon, I will make my way into my room and pick up Steinbeck's East of Eden - my second attempt at reading the novel and hopefully my last too. I have a DVD still stuck in my laptop drive, and I have definitely misplaced the two DVDs of schoolwork and pictures from Melbourne that I brought back to Brunei with me. I shall be sore if I lose both DVDs, particularly since both comprise two years of sweat and memories - no tears shed though, since I realise I work best under pressure.

I am emceeing another bank event on Tuesday and am hoping one of my two blazers will be drycleaned by then. I like standing in front of a podium and speaking... as long as I have speech prepared, that is. It sounds incredibly narcissitic, but I like hearing my voice being projected and reaching people. It's akin to the thrill certain people get when they drive a car really fast, or perform 100 push ups in row... it's hard to describe, but it's such a joyride...

And um, I kneeled in my skinny jeans just now for about five minutes, and now I'm paranoid that the knees have stretched and will remain loose-ish even after they've been washed. THEY'RE NOT GOING TO BE DAMAGED PERMANENTLY, ARE THEY? :(

My God, I'm not going to have a life this weekend. Although people have retorted by saying that I usually don't have a life on the weekends anyway - to which I say, HA, you didn't see me when I was back in Melbourne, and HA, guess who will be having a life in London this October?"

Anyway, I am working all day tomorrow. And yes, it's a Saturday... Working breakfast at 9.00 am with the emcee for tomorrow's event, then the setting up and dry run just after, and then a break for lunch, and then the actual event itself in the afternoon till 4.30 pm... and then an official dinner to attend on the night itself, provided we have media coverage.

And then on Sunday - joy of all joys - a 5.15 am start to the morning to be at the Taman in Bandar by 6.00 am for a walkathon promoting a cause I don't really give a rat's ass about.

And that is my weekend in a nutshell. How is yours shaping up to be? :P

I guess this means that I will probably not be on MSN much over the next few days... My lover, Amanda Nicole Yong, has not yet returned from Barcelona either so my life feels rather incomplete at the moment. Espero que ella traega un recuerdo de Espana para mi!

There was a moment in the office today, when I was wrapping door gifts for tomorrow's event, that I thought - is all I'm useful for right now the perfect wrapping of presents? It was incredibly depressing, let me tell you! I could totally get a gig at Euroclassics after the hours and hours of present-wrapping we have done over these past two days. Tash, a Professional Present Wrapper. It feels strange to be saying this... but I cannot wait to get behind a textbook once again, to not have to work a 9-5 job just yet... and to just... live the life of a student.

Not to mention the fact that people like Sarah and Amanda have been saying that not having anything concrete to occupy my mind with these past several months has proved to be rather... detrimental to my well-being, hahaha.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH OKAY I JUST WANT TO SEE MY MELBOURNE FRIENDS AGAIN. Can that be arranged??? My last boxes from Melbourne arrived the other day, via cargo ship thanks to an amazing family friend, and well... let's just say that I amassed a great many things over two years in Melbourne - a mistake I should not repeat in London lest I have to pay $500 in overweight luggage again! My second of the only two baju kurungs I own is back with me, which means another outfit to wear to events which involve VIPs! My sports clothes are back as well, including my very comfortable but very small PE active top, my slicker jacket which I love to death even though it rustles when I walk... and MY BOOKS.

In capital letters, yo.

My unfinished James Patterson books, and "East of Eden" are finally back in Brunei, so I have substantial things to read, to keep those grey cells working, before I leave for university in October! I can kiss goodbye to In Style and Cosmo right now...

HA HA HA I jest.

Anyway, a meme because I can't be stuffed doing anything else with my life except vegetate in front of the laptop and wait for my hair to dry...

What place would you visit if money were no object?
Spain, definitely. It's been at the top of my list of choice holiday destinations for a very long time, followed by Greece and Moscow.

What one person could you meet in the world – alive or dead?
Emperor Qianlong! To ask if those Hoshen rumours were really unfounded...

If you could go back to a certain year in time, what year would you choose?
Amazingly enough, I don't want to go back in time. I'm content at the moment.

Worst habit?
Feeling paranoid if I don't have a pot of Vaseline in my handbag at all times, followed by always having to go to the bathroom during movies. I know people are peeved off at me when it comes to both these things - Lyn was quite annoyed when I brought my little pot of Vaseline into my exams in the sandwich bag I was using to hold my stationery! HAHAHA.

One thing you could change about yourself?
My mum thinks I'm going to be anorexic one day because I'm convinced that I have a double chin and pester her daily about it.

( Read more? )

I think I ate too much today, but I seriously don't give a hoot at the moment because I'm so tired, I need all the carbs that my diet today allowed me to take in. Breakfast was a slice of bread, I think, insubstiantial enough to completely ignore... and then I had a helping and a bit of celebratory nasi briyani for lunch that was brought in by a colleague, together with a pack of kway teow + haw par tan that another colleague tapau-ed for me, and then a slice of Sheraton cake 'cos it was another colleague's birthday, and then a normal dinner. I am neither stuffed nor bloated, which is probably because we had to work our butts off today to get everything done on time, which meant I left the office at 6.30 and arrived home close to 7.00...

I am tired and I'm going to bed... GOOD NIGHT! =)

The title says it all - the old posts on this journal have disappeared from public view forever, paving the way for new ones to come.

Many things in life are funny. Certain memories eventually become curios, incidents you can rehash and smile about while on your rocking chairs in old age. Emotions, once perpetually coursing through your veins like wildfire, can be extinguished in a split second, leaving things so much brighter.

These are some of life's little oddities.

Lately, I've learned a number of life-long lessons. To not expect too much; that to overanalyse any one situation works to render it colourless; just to go with the flow, no matter how cliched that sounds; that sometimes, to walk away from something, even knowing how good it could be, saves you from being hurt even more in the long run.

I have to give Amanda the credit for that last one. =)

These past few weeks have been, to say the least, completely unexpected. A harmony that has ended the desafinado of anything past. Shakespeare's "Twelfth Night", reinvented, real life. I'm listening to music again, and have been inspired to pick up the guitar after many long months.

And the why may be one of life's little oddities. =)


[I know, I turn into a little poet sometimes...]

OMG.

The current Year 12 girls are THE SEX.

SEX ON LEGS.

HOT DAMN.

I'm sorry -- I can't help myself! I definitely don't lean that way, but I was looking at pictures from last night's MLC Year 12 Formal on Facebook and was just blown away by the beauty of so many of the girls. I mean, OH MY GOD, everyone looked fantastic, the epitome of gorgeousness! Perfect hair, perfect makeup, perfect dresses... Just visions of beauty, and I'm so blown away by how FANTASTIC everyone looked.

Ohhhhh, I wish I could attend another high school formal. From the pictures I've seen from Uni Balls, and from recountals from the likes of Steph, high school formals rock way more than said Uni Balls. The anxiety that fills oneself from the week before the formal, to the booking of hair and makeup appointments, the asking of the formal date, the frantic booking of limos, the afterparty location, actually getting to the hairdresser and the makeup artist on time, finally changing into the dress which will turn you into an absolute goddess on the night... I miss everything about the formal experience and I will never have it again.

Sadface.

On the other hand, my Bank's Staff Annual Dinner was held last night at the Jerudong Polo Club, and it's funny how both the Year 12 Formal and our Dinner had the same theme -- Masquerade. It's time to be more original, people! But the fact that the Year 12 Formal actually had a theme was a landmark for the event. The table decorations, with the white Phantom half-mask and the roses were actually a nice touch, and the projected background of the mask was actually darn amazing. I'm surprised at how well the event looked like it was put together!

And the Tiddeman girls were gorgeous, as always. =)

Thus ends my little ramble-fest for the night. It's off to bed for me!

P.S. If you haven't already read my account on my Bank's Dinner, check out tashternal if you're already LJ friends with me. Otherwise, sorry... =(

I hate pricks, prigs and pigs.

And bum bitches too.

Reverse that, and you get bitch bums.

I hate bitch bums too. The phrase is pretty much self-explanatory.

But surprisingly, I'm the happiest today that I've been in ages, thanks to a deliciously juicy email from Steph which I received and read in the office today. It was typical Steph from start to finish, which means WONDERFUL HUMOUR, and NO MINCING OF WORDS. I MISS YOU STEPH. :( I will always be your pWiNcEsS tAsHiEpOoPs!MWAHZZZZZZZZZZ.

Ugh. There's only so much sugariness and cotton-candiness that one can tolerate before one pukes all the way from here to Indochina.

Indochina? Oh... I meant, OUTDOOR China!

Sorry, random. Those who were in Anything Goes would recognise the quote, of course!

Well, I'm going to watch Breakfast at Tiffany's tonight because I'm in dire need for some lightness and comedy in my life. Quiero tener un buen humor!

Sin embargo, quiero tomar un ducha (?) porque me duele mi cabeza. Actually, not really -- I just wanted to say that.

BYE!

Today has been a good/bad day:

Good: I had lunch at the Atrium, where I pigged out on seafood and couldn't really touch the main course after. I judge how good a restaurant is by the quality of their appetizers; but unfortunately once I've sampled most of what they have to offer in terms of this course, I'm quite stuffed. But mmmmm, I have a thing for fresh prawns and salmon and this is what I attacked today. The thought of it makes me queasy now.

I had dinner with Joyce, Ange and Grace tonight. They're classmates from primary school and we go a long way back -- possibly fourteen years with Joyce and maybe twelve or so with both Ange and Grace. It was good to catch up after so long... I think I ate too much, yet again... The amount of food I'm shoving into my system is quite ludicruous. It has to stop! Pictures (well, the sole picture I liked) on my Facebook account and/or Friendster!

And AHAHAHAHA I am in quite a bit of (hilarious, side-splitting) shit on Friendster! The story goes, there's a running joke that I am crushing very madly on this boy called Tim Ho, who happens to be Brendan's friend who Charli knows. I came across photos of him on Brendan's Space one day last year, so of course I have to tell the whole world that I think the boy is cute, and the joke stuck!

Well, I decided that there was no way Tim Ho was going to be poking around Friendster anytime soon, so I stuck a "TIM HO :(" under my "Who I'd Like To Meet" section. Quite innocent, obviously, and people should know I'm joking and all that.

Well, I didn't expect to receive a message from a guy who's currently taking Physio with Nattypoo at Melbourne, who happens to know Tim Ho, who happened to pretend in his message that he was Tim Ho using said guy's profile! Of course I freaked out for a second, but today I look back at the incident and can laugh at it because the whole coincidence thing? It's just so ludicrous!

When it comes to Friendster, I never learn, do I?

The bad: HMMMMMMMMMMMPF. :P Hehe. I think only poklens, poklen-wannabes and those who want badly to look cool hang out at Chill at The Mall. But of course those yang terasa will have something different to say about that. There's something I really don't like about that place -- almost as if only ostentatious, pretentious, superficial people hang out there to see and be seen. But that's just my two cents. What's yours?

Oh, this isn't anything "bad", but I just thought I'd mention that I've tried the gelati at the new gelati place in Kiulap and it isn't half bad! Granted, for the amount of money you pay, you'd expect a larger scoop of the stuff, but I think the taste sort of makes up for the meagre amount given. It's reminiscent of Cones' gelati, but only because it's the first good gelati I've ever had in Brunei. Cones rocks more, obviously! I had the Rocher yesterday, but only because so many people were crowding around the tub-display and I couldn't get to see much of the flavours. I'm usually a pistachio + butterscotch girl, and occasionally mint choc-chip -- and I think the guy who operates Cones back on Glenferrie Road realised that! And then my "usual" evolved into either the mango or berry smoothies towards the latter half of the year, and especially during the swot vac period. Shinny and I used to go for ice cream runs in the middle of the day because we were so freaking stressed, hehehe. Oh, good times.

What wouldn't I give to be back in Melbourne right now. Hmmmmmmmm.

OH OH.

HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY, FATIN! WISHING YOU ALL THE BEST!

Off to bed!

I am a bit annoyed.

Then again, does that revelation actually shock you after my string of emo posts over the past week or so?

At least it's not a 23RQ8EFUY9WESU sort of annoyance, and it's definitely not rage, which makes me relatively wayyyyyy calmer than I was last week -- and hopefully more tolerable too.

Well, here goes.

I was roped into doing something at this event at the end of next week, and I have choice but to actually attend the event right now even though I've been wavering between going and not going for a number of weeks now.

Which means, among other things, choices!

What the heck to wear: my spotty lemon dress or my sleek, slinky blue one?

What sort of makeup scheme: natural, smoky eyed, bronze maybe if I'm wearing my yellow dress?

In fact, that means I have to go shopping for makeup because I don't own bronze eyeshadow and I want to get brown eyeliner because black looks a little too harsh on me. But the thing is, makeup shopping used to fill me with such thrill and now it's turning out to be a bit of a chore because the makeup selection in Brunei sucks, completely. I'd love to live near a MAC store, and oh gosh, Napoleon and Benefit. :( Someone please shoot me.

Okay okay, and then, there's hair! The one thing I have yet to master... I so cannot be stuffed getting my hair professionally and shelling out $50 or so for it, especially when I spent $0.00 on the MS Graduation Night for both hair and makeup too. I will arm myself with a hairdryer and a bottle of hairspray and see if I can't emulate Fi's hair from the Boarder's Valedictory Dinner -- kind of flicky and windswept and yeah! Hopefully that works out, otherwise I shall be quite pissed off!

And then I need to get new shoes because my heels are about two years old, and another couple of wears will send them right into the rubbish bin. And yes, they were $30.00 Charles and Keith heels which I overuse so I can only blame myself for their early demise.

And then, what about my mask? I haven't bought one yet, and I don't really know what I'm going to do with it, really. My brother has a friend who can probably customise any mask I buy to my liking, but I wonder if one week is long enough notice...

In short, I'm feeling very whingey right now and really REALLY can't be stuffed going to this little shindig.

Someone pass the whiskey bottle over, please.






Just kidding.

I need a mantra.

Don't bother, don't care, don't bother, don't care, don't effing bother, don't effing care.

When and how did I ever get so emo?

And yes, those were rhetorical questions.

My anger, my jealousy, my resolve to not care... they come and go in waves. One second, I'm fine; the next, I just get carried away by this wave of emotions that scares me, a lot -- the extent of these emotions, anyway.

And I realise that I am fickle, or maybe I am easily pleased and that it doesn't take much to make me happy. I had a really good dinner tonight. Nothing out of the ordinary -- steamed corn chicken with the usual condiments, ikan pusu for a change, but conversation was good and we were laughing at my brother's lack of knowledge of the word 'lumberjack', a key word in the lame joke he was attempting to tell, but I still laughed anyway!

So now I return to this computer and feel the heaviness descend on my heart again, but perhaps not with quite the same fervour or strength as the original feeling, which is a good thing.

I really need to go and have a good cry this weekend and just get everything out of my system, or perhaps have a good heart-to-heart with somebody who will just listen to what I have to say.

I'm good at hiding emotions in certain instances, and matters like these are one of them. I have the worst poker face in the world when it comes to Blackjack or Poker, but I hate acting cold or angry or upset towards people and I think this is where my ability to hide emotion well stems from... for the most part anyway.

I wish I could feel happier, to not have to deal with this self-inflicted shit any longer. I can scapegoat all I want, and people can scapegoat all they want on my behalf, but I know it's only the way I perceive the situation that's causing me to feel all this.

This is such a recurring theme.

Anyway, I'm going to shower, change in something more comfortable and yak my heart out to Suan, who I can't see on Monday because I feel obligated to go to work and finish off something pending then.

Oh my gawd. I think this feeling can generally be considered...

... "hurt".

In other less emo news, I received my IB English breakdown in my email today from Mrs. DG:

IA 24 6

P1 20 7

P2 22 7

WL 29 6

Exactly as I suspected for the World Literature component, but how did I manage a '6' on my Internal Assessment (the orals), especially when Uppie told me that he was fairly confident it was either my exam papers or the World Lit. which potentially brought my score down? (Thus, leading me to a conclusion that my orals generally went well.)

And also, if anyone can help me interpret the numbers beside the names of the components, I'd be very greatful indeed! If I did indeed score a 20 for my unseen passage commentary on the poem about the creative journey and still managed to get a 7 when the cutoff mark for a 7 in other years was a 22, then I'm quite surprised! And also, what is this '29' for World Lit.? 29/40? JEEPERS.

Suan just called, so I'm off to take a shower now! GOODBYE.

1. Who were you with last night?
Myself, being a hermit in front of my laptop. :(

2. What woke you up this morning?
My mum rapping on my door to tell me that I was going to be late for work -- so I skipped breakfast!

3. Where are you?
At my desk in my room.

4.Is tomorrow going to be a good day?
Mmmmmmmm... It could be better, I suppose. I have nothing planned for tomorrow, but I'm thinking about catching a movie at night -- Mark Wahlberg and his third nipple might be just the remedy. But of course, I jest!

5. Did you kiss or hug anyone today?
Nope... and it isn't time for my good night kiss yet.

6. When was the last time you cried?
Sunday, hahahahaha. But it was a failed, pathetic attempt at crying because I only managed to shed TWO tears. Oh yes, I counted -- and on hindsight I am laughing at myself!

7. Ever thrown up in public?
Once, on a plane, when I was seven or eight. That was embarrassing.

8. Passed out because of alcohol?
Nope! I think I've proved on countless occasions that my alcohol tolerance is pretty high, and I've never drunk till I've been effing pissed before. I think that's a good thing, but I would seriously love to test said alcohol tolerance.

9. What's on your mind RIGHT NOW?
That I have to finish answering this question as quickly as possible because my mum expects me to take a shower NOW. And 'NOW' means NOW to her. And other things, I suppose. Just... a maelstrom of thoughts, some of which cannot be assigned words.

10. Would you take a bullet for anyone?
I think so... for select people I can probably count on one hand.

( Click to read more. You know you want to! )

And to make this journal entry seem more substantial...

http://www.theage.com.au/news/letters/sorry-but-it-is-that-extreme-in-saudi-arabia/2007/04/01/1175366072957.html

Uppie's in the newspaper!

Many thanks to Steph for the link; it did wonders to brighten up a boring, gloomy day in the office yesterday. I actually think it would be quite amusing if they linked it in the 'MLC in the News' section of the school's official website, but the college would never want be linked with such a rant -- although a really good, justifiable one at that! How much of Uppie's Uppie-ness just oozed out of the article? The last two paragraphs are simply amazing and positively venemous, but the argument was solid and logical from start to finish. UPPIE'S SO AWESOME THAT WAY.

/end of fangirling session

He was basically my Careers Consultant for my UCAS application though, and I will never be able to repay him for helping me gain entry to LSE and giving me the chance to obtain a world-class education in law. (:

I am goive-ing in the office today and it feels pretty damn good. :D

ETA: And then Swe and Soon phoned up really randomly this afternoon and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner with them, so we ended up at Zaika, where I ate too much and now feel really uncomfortable around my abdominal area. EWWW. The food was excellent though -- especially the briyani we had, as well as the curry we ordered, and while I now live with the consequences of having eaten beyond my stomach's capabilities (which I thought were pretty extensive), I am one very happy person. Mmmmmmmmmm, Indian food.

Indian food and Thai food make me really happy, for a strange, inexplicable reason. I think it's the spiciness. I recall the one time I ordered a 'hot' Thai dish in Melbourne and emerged from the experience scarred because I couldn't stop shedding tears throughout the whole meal (with Nishi fetching me tissues and dabbing at my eyes). We never went back again even though the restaurant was right on Glenferrie Road, but I really do crave something AS spicy now. OMG.

Oh, I need to echo what Amanda said to me via Google Talk today for those of you who might know (or guess), and that is: SCOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

xxx says:
so what do you want me to wear on our first formal date when i go pick you up in bandar in a new vroom vroom
u want an air of importance?
suit?
or just shirt and tie
and...with that...
i am off to sleep
Tash says:
WAIT
we haven't settled the issue of clothing yet
if you rock up in a suit i'm going to pretend i don't know you
i like j crew tee and jeans
okay thanks :D
xxx says:
tee?
i will wear a saskatchewan..easy to draw, hard to spell tee :P
then u will be like...i dunno you..go away..
Tash says:
i'm that predictable, huh?
i mean, i'm going to rock my office wear
you'd better look good too
xxx says:
ok....3 piece suit it is :P
Tash says:
oh, be warned, i'm wearing heels
so i shall tower over you by at least 3 inches :P
xxx says:
how bout just a striped gap shirt
and a jean
Tash says:
sounds like a date :P
xxx says:
and i will be doing all the poklan things
talking hokkien very loudly
Tash says:
UM UM
I DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS
UM UM
HE'S MOLESTING ME :P
xxx says:
I WANT HER BAH
YOU KNOW
THAT GIRL LAH
YOU DONT KNOW MEH?
AIYOH
Tash says:
EYEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
xxx says:
HOW COME YOU DONT KNOW ANYTHING ONE AH?
Tash says:
POLICE, POLICE!!!!!!
although bandar seems to lack them, strangely enough
ewwwwww loud hokkien :P

And just for the heck of it, I have censored that certain person's name. Although frankly, I think we all know who he is already, just from the geographical references alone!

SPEAKING OF WHICH, I forgot to tell him that I want one of those Saskatchewan t-shirts too! Sask. has officially been my favourite Canadian province ever since we learnt in Form 2 that it produces 2/3 of Canada's sheep and a heck of a lot of wheat -- so finding out that he was going to study there was such a novel idea at the very beginning. Mmm, Sask.!

Today I had the biggest freak out known to mankind. People in the office have been commenting about my propensity to panic, but they actually haven't seen panic-panic yet. PANIC PANIC NO. ANYWAY. Remember how I emailed Mrs. DG asking for my English breakdown? She replied and told me to log onto the IBO's Results website and click on the 'Show all components' button -- except the button doesn't exist on the students' version of the website. However, in order to discover that, I first had to punch in my pin number... and that was the problem. I HAD LOST MY FREAKING PIN NUMBER, no thanks at all to my laziness in keeping a record of it somewhere. I rooted around in my room, through all the university paraphernalia and prospectuses and all my print-outs for my university interview, before I had a brainwave and decided to check in my magazine drawer. And of course, where could it be BUT under a sheaf of papers in my magazine drawer?

Murphy's Law x27382382392392. Mmmmmmmmmmmmhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

And because I am biased like this, check out Fitchett's 2007 House Cheerleading video on YouTube by searching "MLC Cheerleading". Fitchett is the blatantly yellow, blatantly house-spirity house, but I think Westy's departure has resulted in an obvious chink in our previous inpenetrable armour of awesomeness (I LOVE ALLITERATION) because we weren't as loud or as energetic as last year. TOO SAD. :( Nevile deserved their win though!

I like to think I'm channeling Darren Hayes' look from Pop!ular in this picture, except I am evidently a poser because these aren't even my sunnies! They're Rafidah's and I've been dying to see them since she first received them as a present, so to be able to take a picture with them made my day!

I guess you can say I've recovered from my little bout of emo-ness -- because that's what it is, emoness in absolute plain-ness -- which resulted in that terrible post below. Rafidah, Steph, Sarah and Amanda all played a part in this too, listening to my crazy, ranty spiels the entire week, and have thankfully not yet clobbered me over the head for being really quite pathetic. THANKS GUYS. I really do owe you all one. (:

I emailed Mrs DG this morning, on my MLC email account which should actually have been deleted by the CCC now, for my IB English breakdown. What I suspect will put me in a shitty mood when the reply does come is that I am expecting to see a 6 or lower as my World Lit. essay score -- even though I had the chance to do absolutely amazing in that component, considering we didn't have to do it under exam conditions. It figures that being the quintessential IB student, I did both essays in two sittings, the last one always the day before it was due. Apparently Uppie didn't think my internally-assessed components did any harm to my score, so it must've been either the World Lit. or the exam essays.

The thought of that 6 for English still bugs me, unfortunately. Not a hate-hate kind of bugging, because that would just be awful. It's more an annoyance over what could have been... but I don't have the right to complain, really.

Does anyone have news on the House Cheerleading results, by the way? I know Krome placed second and that Fitchett was probably far from first, so I suspect Nevile stole the trophy again, but THAT'S ALL RIGHT. :P We'll trounce everyone in uhhhhh, House Chess!

My brother bought an Epiphone Les Paul guitar today, complete with a MASSIVE amplifier and apparently he was playing it the entire afternoon. Noise levels around our house will be severely affected from today onwards... We already get the constant sound of aeroplanes flying over our house every hour because we live so close to the airport, and now this?

But why wasn't I around in the afternoon? I had lunch at Excapade with the girls from MA5T! There were 12 of us squished into one of the little rooms at the back of the restaurant, and it was good to see everyone again! All of us have gone our separate ways after Form 5 -- me to Australia, several to Scotland on the MinDef scholarship, others have continued in MS... It initially felt weird to be together in the same room, but I think everyone loosened up well in the end. A bunch of us ended up at Coffee Bean at the end of the afternoon too. That was fun, and altogether, I had a good time. :D

It's Chinese All Souls Day tomorrow so I need to head off to bed because we're leaving for the cemetary pretty early...

Okay, so EFF IT.

I've always been a firm believer in existentialism -- the ability to govern one's actions, the freedom to choose one's path in life, independence from The Powers That Be...

But what I believe in is not always what I practise.

I know I have the choice to pull out before it's too late, to take matters into my own hands, to extricate myself from this situation before it turns ugly and messy (not that it already hasn't)... but I can't help myself.

Yes, I'm an existentialist who can proffer no solutions for oneself.

I really don't want to end up like one of those forlorn characters from The Cherry Orchard, who bemoan their pitiful existence, yet make no attempts to do anything about it because they believe they can't do anything to change their destiny. I refuse to be a Lyubov Andreyevna -- whose heart is in the right place yet can't see that the misery she faces is self-inflicted. Unfortunately, my misery is pretty much self-inflicted at the moment.

The first step is to recognise and to identify the problem, and that I've done. The second is to act on it, to curb it before it reaches its pinnacle... but how?

I hate this feeling -- the feeling of falling, getting saved from crashing and burning and throwing my whole life away to the extreme force of these emotions just in the nick of time, floating once again... and then the whole cycle repeats itself, viciously. It's taking a toll on many things in my life -- in fact, it's taking a toll on almost everything in life right now and I really really need for it to stop.

I wish for simpler days sometimes. Studying for, and worrying about exams is a more enviable position to be in than mine. The LCY/Phish days were relatively simple, relatively predictable, relatively happy -- compared to this anyway. I crave more stability, more honesty and dependence-on-another in my life than I am currently getting (but am getting, if you understand what I mean), and I suppose it's my fault that I am perceiving the situation to be completely out-of-proportion than to what is really occurring.

The point I'm trying to make is that I'm pissed off at myself more than anything else at the moment. I'm pissed off that I can't help myself but I will one day have to... and that day should come sooner rather than later because I just can't take it any longer. It's the self-anger which makes me realise that I know exactly what's happening. I've taken the outsider's point of view and reviewed the situation, and I realise I'm just playing right into what I don't want to be playing into...

And I wish I could go into specifics but I'm going to save everyone the trouble of becoming embroiled in my own little personal battle with my emotions, with my head, with myself in general... that, and the fact that the Internet is really not the most private place around.

So I shall leave it at this, and attempt to have a good weekend. I have made plans with people though, so things are looking up. I have amazing, crazy, loyal and committed friends who are always there if I need them, who always have my back, but there's only so much they can do -- the rest is up to me.

Oh dear God. What's happening now is exactly what Nat predicted in her email to me...

And lest I really start sounding like a whingey, self-absorbed prat I shall call this a post.

Oh, I wonder if KCS actually replied to the ranty little email I sent him this evening... because I'm curious as to what he thinks of the entire situation? Hint hint!

But on a slightly more happy note, I received a message through Friendster yesterday from this guy who used to go to primary school with me. A couple of years ago, we had this little fall out because he thought I was the other Natasha in the same year as us, and only started speaking to me via MSN because he really liked her! He kind of cut me out from his life when he realised he'd mistaken me for the wrong girl, which I couldn't have cared less about, but the other day I received a message from him apologising for the misunderstanding and wanting to patch up things. All of this after I uploaded new photos onto Friendster and now look different to how I used to look back then... What's this all about, hey?

KCS wants to stalk Nelly Furtado while she's in Saskatoon for the Junos. Dream on, darling. :P

And ooh, I was looking through a couple of my old Google Talk chats and I found this funny one between Steph and I. It's hilarious how some of my lingo has rubbed off onto her:

me: sarah's told me she's free from july 2 onwards
so i might drop by that week :D
stephanie: the new house should be ready by thenan
me: for like, four days or so
stephanie: d you can crash in my place
me: ooooooooh, okay okay!
OKAY!
stephanie: yay!
me: YAY
omg this will be so weird
stephanie: yes. we will have the pool and everything
and its not as far away from civilisation as yunn shin's is
me: i wouldn't have seen you for nine months
omg pool
stephanie: why?
me: skinny dipping!
stephanie: i noe!!!
me: :P
stephanie: i mss you much
me: hahahaha
stephanie: haha. we will
me: skanky
me too :(
stephanie: ohh completely skanky
2:02 PM me: it's going to be sooo goooooooodododododdo :D
lol sorry that's just me brightening up and being a little hyper
where do you propose we shop? bangsar, KLCC, sungai wang?
stephanie: realli?
2:03 PM ahh nice
eww.
no sungai wang is full of ppl you call poklans
me: ahhhhhhhhh i thought so!
stephanie: bangsar is the place to be. or any other mall apart from sungai wang for that matter
its bloody cheap tho
but totally unclassy unlike other places
me: i know, bangsar sounds like such a happening place!
stephanie: omg. im soo excited that you'll be coming down now
me: hehehe really?
stephanie: like insanely
2:04 PM its allright

And yeah, I'm in a better mood now.

I go through these funny stages where I tend to one more blog more than the other (because I have two and you have the luxury of being able to choose when you do!) depending on my need to inform people about what's been happening, and lately my avenue has been this public journal.

There are way too many things I want and need to set down but unfortunately, that really can't be done in such a public way. To talk to certain people about these will have to suffice for the time being because... I don't know. Things have been slightly madcap in my life lately and the way I've always managed to get things out of my system is through blogging (I know, how sad right?) except I just can't for these. Oh, it's annoying the heck out of me but I realise there could potentially be consequences for talking so yes -- silence.

Anyway, the one thing I have been doing lately is reading through my old diaries, which date back to 2001, when I was in Form 2. The one thing I love about looking at old diary entries is that you realise how much you've matured since the "good ol' days". For one, my perspective on love and relationships was completely WHACK back when I was thirteen or fourteen. The word "love" was used copiously on every single diary entry and I think I was prone to crushing on every guy I met really madly! OH GOD. I was groaning to myself as I read through entry after entry just wondering how on earth I was ever that way...

I was going to continue this but I'm so bone-tired, I think I'm going to head off to bed now...

The past several days have been a rollercoaster of emotions for me... The weekend started off pretty shittily, appeared to get better midway through but ended up in a gradual downward spiral once again, and Monday was no better. Tuesday started off badly, but the Seria kway teow I still don't know how to spell which I had for breakfast made things a little better, and there exist times when I actually find my little cousin cute! Well, it was only because she gave me half her fried egg from on top of her kway teow -- which resulted in me feeling sickly full but muchly satisfied. (Whoa, I used two pseudo-adverbs in the same line. AMAZING.)

How did Tuesday start? My morning began at 5.45, an unearthly hour even by office standards (!), but I only hopped out of bed a full half an hour later and started panicking because it was so late. I dashed off to put on my contact lenses, except for some INEXPLICABLE reason I flicked the pair into the dustbin (thankfully, clean, save for a number of tissues) and spent 10 minutes rooting around in it for them. Although the results were less than satisfactory, seeing as I only managed to find one of them. Then I rushed into the bathroom and had the quickest shower known to mankind, blewdry my hair in record time and was out of the house by 6.50, much to the amazement of my dad. After we dropped my brother off at school, I was dropped off at my grandmother's house, where my aunt picked me up and took me out for breakfast...

So yes, full circle!

One of the best things that happened this weekend though, was that I have finally received official confirmation of my LSE accomodation! I AM GOING TO BE A BANKSIDE BABE. My first choice, and I get to follow in the footsteps of dear Man-man Amanda, Hui Ping and Alexey, among others! And yes, it's near the Tate Modern which I have been dying to go to ever since seeing pictures of the giant slide on Jess' blog, so WOOOOOOOO. OKAY.

College life (Okay, it's not a college, but whatever. Cambridge can kiss my @$$) Halls of residence life is going to be absolutely amazing, I can tell. Granted, there won't be formal dinners with robes and candles but socially, it's going to be the same or even better. Yes, sometimes I do wish I were back in Melbourne -- not to be back in front of the thick-ass textbooks, but to be with friends again -- but can't imagine being an Ormond or Trinity girl... Do you think my wild side would have been unleashed had I gone to Ormond? Sometimes I wonder about that... Hmmmmmm.

And then, um!

So Dove conditioner makes my hair too greasy after numerous washes, and L'Oreal's something-something Citrus something causes my hair to be too dry. I need a balance between the two -- Dove's all right in the short run, but L'Oreal just sucks, full stop, although I still continue to use it because it smells good. My goodness, I'm so fickle. And my, I'm so boring if this is all I can think to talk about!

Okay, let's talk about what's happening in other people's lives! The Year 12 formal's next month, I think, and already the formal dress shopping has begun, makeup and hair appointments are being booked... and I have no part in all of this! :( I recall I missed an absolutely smashing Melbourne High social last year just to look good for the formal the next day, my makeup and hair appointments were booked late LATE, but the night ended up being pretty awesome anyway. I wish I were back at the boarding house to see everyone dolled up like little cupcakes, with their dates and corsages and everything... MOST EXCITING NIGHT EVER.

Then there's the Performing Arts Festival, which I will definitely miss because it's smack-bang in the middle of May and I don't know how I'm going to get the money to fly over to Melbourne, and You Jin (Fitchett's music captain because I made her go for it! :D) is going to kill me, AHHHHHHHHH.

It's times like these that I want to break out the MLC Year 12 DVD and watch it from start to finish... but guess what? There's another DVD stuck in my disc drive and it refuses to be ejected! But then, I refuse to part with my laptop for even a day so I suppose it's going to stay in there for a while yet...

And while we're on this topic of conversation, our MLC email inboxes will be deleted permanently on 31st March, so do be a kind soul and send me my last ever emails on channz@mlc.vic.edu.au. Damn this email was awesome; so many good memories are associated with this address -- the Year 11 English class in which we sent 136 mass emails to each other, Uppie's wonderfully quirky and sad emails, finding out I'd been given a Cambridge interview again (and then my rejection -- but what of that?)...everything!

And between the time I typed that last paragraph and this one, Laura Chong called from Melbourne OH MY GOD okay and we bitched and gossiped and I'm in a fantastic mood now! :D

Off to give a number of people some love on Facebook. Good night!